He is constant.

First of all, let me just say that I am beyond blessed by the amazing friends that I have who love Jesus. I literally could not be more thankful for all of them and the common desire that we share to live our lives being the hands and feet of our Savior. That being said,

I’m sad thinking about leaving my friends, or them leaving me, as plans change and our lives begin to take shape. But…

I’m stoked for whatever God has waiting in the future. And…

I’m anxious for it to all happen now because it’s so exciting and yet so terrifying at the same time. Also…

I’m kind of afraid of what His calling on my life will require of me. But…

…when it all comes down to it, I feel ready to just be all that God wants me to be and to learn to love Him more every day. I’m done ever trying to figure stuff out on my own. I want to be in constant pursuit of knowing His heart and His plans for me, and nothing else.

The past week I’ve gotten a lot of much-needed insight from my parents and from some good friends of mine about the future, and dealing with the unknown in a way that glorifies the One who holds it all in His hands and promises to not let go. I suddenly became a lot more aware of my desire to go to a Bible College at some point, or possibly a 10-month long discipleship school with Reign Ministries, called Kairos. I felt like God reminded me of how much and how long I’ve wanted to do something like this, and all of a sudden I wanted it more than I ever have before. It was exciting to me to think about taking a different road in college for awhile. But in the next couple days I let it hold too tight of a grip on my heart. I started feeling angry and bitter over where I am right now, impatient for things to change, and sad that I can’t just know what’s going to happen and when. How much easier that would be… Or would it? 

Maybe knowing what will happen next would feel easier at times, but it wouldn’t do any good because where would our faith be then? God knows what He’s doing, and in order for us to learn to trust Him, we can’t know things until He decides to show us. What a huge burden is lifted when we realize just how much Jesus cares for us. It makes me wonder why I ever let myself stress or worry about my life because when everything falls apart, or when nothing seems promising, or when the thought of having to figure out what to do with my life makes my heart skip a few beats, He is constant. If I ever make it sound like I’m coping pretty well with the ambiguity that is my future, I am learning, but at the same time, there is a battle going on inside of me. My flesh turns my excitement into anxiety, into doubt, into fear, into impatience, into anger over not having MY desires fulfilled RIGHT NOW, while the rest of me is trying to remind myself that God is in control and that actually, I don’t need to worry. I simply need to wait on Him, trusting that I am right where I am supposed to be right now, and that He will reveal the rest to me one step at a time. 

I’ve been reminded that not only does God know and hold my future, but He knows me personally, and values the desires of my heart. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” When we strive to live our lives fully for Jesus, He promises to first match our desires with His and to then satisfy them completely. {I experienced this first-hand last summer… I know that it can be done again. 

Before going to Scotland with Royal Servants God gave me a desire to know Him better than I ever have and to love Him with all that I am. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that He would fulfill this desire. And that’s exactly what He did. I came home a different person because of how much God revealed to me about Himself and about myself in light of who He is. I came home having surrendered my whole heart and every part of my life to God, truly and honestly holding nothing back. And although that put me in the most vulnerable place I have ever been, it was also the most rewarding thing in the world because He replaced all that I was with more of Himself instead. Clearly, I’m still learning how to live this out on a daily basis, and thanks to His endless mercy, every breath is a second chance.}

All I have left to share is that I am incredibly relieved that in the midst of uncertainty one thing always remains certain: my Savior holds my entire life in His hands. 

Oh, and this is my new current obsession:

Job 23:10-14 – “But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. But He is unique, and who can make Him change? And whatever His soul desires, that He does. For he performs what is appointed for me, and many such things are with Him.” Absolutely beautiful.