A friend of mine recently asked me what I feel like God is challenging me with right now, and my response was Psalm 37:3. It reads, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.”
I believe the meaning is twofold in that this isn’t just a command, but also a promise.
I’ve read it a bunch of times before, but the words “cultivate faithfulness” sparked something new in me this time that felt like a combination of frustration and confidence. Frustration because I don’t necessarily love carrying out the command in my own life when it means staying put, finishing what I’ve started, and being diligent when I’m restless. What makes this all a lot harder is the changes I’ve been hoping and praying for, and that I find myself looking forward to in the near future, but knowing I am still called to live in the present. (Details on that in the coming week, stay tuned.) There’s confidence there too because I know that as I cultivate faithfulness to the Lord and the things He has called me to now, He promises to cultivate and reveal His faithfulness in me and in my life.
The work we do for Him is not in vain (1 Cor. 15:58). And in the same sense, God doesn’t do things in vain, just to spite us, to keep us busy and on our toes just for fun, or because He’s God and He totally can if He wants to. He’s a whole lot sweeter, more compassionate and purposeful than I often make Him out to be. But He’s also in the business of sanctification, meaning there will be pain, but it won’t be without purpose. And it certainly won’t be because He doesn’t love, but because He is love.
The most aggravating and painful times in my own life are those permeated by every unknown under the sun; the ones that feel dry, seem purposeless, and look fruitless from my vantage point; the ones where I can’t put a finger on what’s happening beneath the surface of self or circumstances; the ones where I have all these dreams and hopes bubbling up inside of me and no understanding of how to realize them, but a very real fear that they may never be realized. These times are the hardest because they challenge every. thing. in me.
My faith
patience
diligence
time management
energy
self-discipline
self-concept
joy
relationships
& perspective.
Everything, put to the test by seasons of complete uncertainty in virtually every way, that seem to beg resentment from me. I have to refuse that every day, and honestly some days I fall prey to it instead.
Tattoo number two was spontaneous, but not without sentiment. I was galavanting around Santa Cruz alone on my day off over the summer, feeling remarkably independent for some reason, and it hit me that I could totally go get the tattoo I’d been talking about for weeks and no one would know or stop me. Ha! A mark of independence is my first reason, however lame that may be. But there’s a lot of reasons that follow that. I spent several moments on West Cliff over the course of the summer, talking to Jesus and trying to listen. One time I said that whatever He has I yield to. One time I said “how am I supposed to trust you when I have no idea what will happen next,” even though that’s the point of faith. After that prayer, He directed my attention to my new lifeline:
Job 22:21 “Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace; thereby good will come to you.”
That was my answer. My trust and faith in Him will grow if I commit to simply becoming more acquainted with Him every day. Time with Him – listening and being immersed in His Word – is my answer. That is how I cultivate faithfulness. The rest will follow.
Yet another time I sat on a rock and read James 1. These words crashed all over my heart like the waves at my feet and I cried. Again. “But when you ask you must believe and not doubt; because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6). I admitted and confessed that I’m a doubter. Completely. Candidly speaking, I very often doubt that there is good in store, even though I have a testimony that speaks of God’s goodness already. I doubt that He is for me, even though He’s already proven that as well. I doubt that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, even though there I sat, in the very midst of an answer to my prayer about where I wanted to be for the summer. I mean, my gosh, could I possibly lack any more faith? I don’t doubt that God is real one bit, but essentially, I guess my flesh doubts that He really always is who He says He is. I confessed through tears, I asked for help, and I thanked Him for the revelation of my sin, knowing that He wants to rid me of it and replace it with a faith stronger than all of my fears.
I got a tattoo of a wave to commemorate the many conversations I had with Jesus during one of the most difficult seasons of my life, His answer to my prayer to be where I got to be all summer, showing me that He hears me, and how He called me out of my doubting and promised to be faithful to me in my commitment to be faithful to Him.
If I claim to be a follower of Christ, that means I can count on the cultivation of faithfulness being lifelong. I believe that’s part of sanctification after receiving His Holy Spirit. And right now (and probably always) “cultivating faithfulness” looks like diligence, patience, constant surrender and basically just all the things I suck at and am incapable of, apart from His grace. I’m frustrated a lot, but also humbled and grateful that God loves me enough to continually strip away the things that otherwise keep my faith stagnant, even when, for a time, it requires circumstances that are.