[pt. 2] reward

“Do not be afraid, Abram,

I am

your shield,

your

e x c e e d i n g l y

g r e a t

r e w a r d.” 

Genesis 15:1

My heart puddled when I read this. And until I read it, I didn’t know how consistenly I’ve been just a little scared and a little hesitant for awhile. No matter how many times God confirms His guidance, it’s too easy to still feel this way when so many unknowns loom ahead, and when you’re me and you lack patience and just want all the answers now. But in this moment I think I gave up all of that. It’s almost like I wasn’t given a choice – I was at the mercy of an “exceedingly great reward,” which called me out of my fear and doubt, once again. How can I not let go when I’m face to face with the promise of God Himself as my shield and reward? I read this and truly recognized that every single thing that I can and can’t see rests with the utmost security in the hands of my Savior, and always will. That became a reality to me more than it ever has before, but it wasn’t just that I stopped worrying about myself and my life and my future and felt better, momentarily…

I think God changed my whole heart and entire outlook on what I’m doing and why. He told me, like He has countless times before, to not be afraid (click here to read “inked” several posts back”), and then He told me why:

Because

He is my shield,

and He is my

  exceedingly.   great.   reward.

There is no harm I need to fear because God is my shield and protector, but because He is also my greatest reward, there is no failure or uncertainty that I need to fear either.

I realized that the work I do is in vain if the end goal is not to both receive more of Christ, and to give more of Him to others. “For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen” (Romans 11:36). He is the foundation that I get to build upon with the life He’s given me (1 Corinthians 3:9). So, no matter where His grace allows me to invest my passions, talent, time, money, energy and effort, ultimately, I want

more

of

Him.

I look forward to grad school with anticipation, nervous-excitment, and a whole lot of other emotions I can’t quite articulate, and I do have hopes and dreams for a career in mental health, but I always have to circle back to the fact that it’s still not about me. Yes, this is what God has for me to do, but at the end of the day, at the end of a master’s degree, at the start and at the end of my career, and at the end of life itself,

There should be less of me.

I’ve gone back and forth a couple times, wondering about my career path and I finally concluded that God, in His boundless nature, can use any occupation to bring Himself glory. If what we ask for is more of Him, He will guide and He will use what we put forth to give us exactly that. And most importantly, He’ll receive the honor. The point is not to work towards satisfaction in a career; the point is to ensure that whatever I do, I’m pouring out all that I am and letting Him fill me with more of who He is. Only then will I be satisfied.

I haven’t been quite this excited about moving yet, but now I am and I think it’s because my perspective and my heart has shifted…

There’s freedom in realizing that regardless of what I do or do not accomplish in or after grad school, or whether or not I ever “arrive,” I know the One who saved me; nothing else attained or acheived will ever be as good as Him.

I’m hanging on tight to this truth, especially because even though I may be able to articulate it in a way that makes sense, I have to put in the effort every day to believe it and to avoid falling prey to doubt and fear, or getting wrapped up in myself again. And even when I do, His grace is still there to meet me.

I’ve been asking God what the altar metaphor is supposed to look like in my own life, and that’s just it…

My life is the altar, I am the sacrifice, and

He is   f o r e v e r   exceedingly my greatest reward.

Phil Wickham’s song, “As It Is In Heaven” has wrecked me. I’m so thankful for him, his heart, and his voice. Click here to listen.