I’ve had writer’s block for weeks, wondering what my next published post would end up being, knowing something was percolating after having written about seven drafts. It wasn’t until God spoke this message at this time straight to the core of my being that anxiety relinquished its grip on me completely, allowing me to finally conceptualize and articulate what is asked of me right now (and always), for my good and His glory.
I fell asleep last night frustrated with myself for having already found things to wish that I had right now. Upon starting to feel sick over my uncanny ability to so quickly forget to be grateful, I repented for where my heart has managed to go in the mere six days that I’ve been living in the place I have dreamed to live for basically my whole life. It’s almost unreal to think about how many prayers from so many people have been answered to bring me to this point, logistically and figuratively. How could I possibly find a single reason under the sun to be steered away from complete contentment? I started thanking God for every little thing I could think of and asked Him to help me take in every detail of each new day with gratitude, and without wishing for anything else. I was so humbled it actually hurt. The fact that God delights in still putting up with me no matter how many times I completely neglect to rest in Him is quite literally unfathomable. Right before I fell asleep, that story in the New Testament contrasting the characters of Martha and her sister, Mary, in the presence of Jesus flashed through my mind, and I saw a brief image of the setting: Jesus in their house, speaking, Martha scuttling around trying to get things done, and Mary quietly sitting and listening. It was almost disturbing how clear and poignant this image was to me. At that point I knew I needed to revisit this story and made a mental note to look it up this morning.
“Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, ‘Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.’ And Jesus answered and said to her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.'”
Luke 10: 38-42
Like Martha, I welcomed Jesus into my home in more ways than one. I literally knelt on the floor of my bedroom the day I moved in, after my family left, and with open hands surrendered all of this to Him. I welcomed Him into this apartment, into this new stage of life, into my education, work, relationships, and into my thoughts and desires all over again. But about as quickly as I did that, I turned around and let anxiety have its way as I began looking far into the future, yet again wondering “when” about so many things. I’ve tried hard to take in every detail of every new thing since I’ve been here, but running on adrenaline for a week straight makes it hard to not look for the next thing around every corner; the next opportunity, the next new friend, etc. I’m anxious and impatient to feel as “at home” in this city and with people as I already do in this cute little apartment that I couldn’t love more. (I truly have never felt so at peace in a place so fast, which is just another way that God has confirmed this to be right.) And yet my heart started feeling heavy, pulled down by the weight of things that I have no control over, let alone the responsibility of figuring out. My greatest responsibility, ever, but especially now, during this short period of time where I get to rest before life is in full-swing by the end of next month, is to be more like Mary. It is not to look for the next thing, believing that it’s somehow on me to orchestrate my circumstances perfectly enough to land the job, or meet the people, or find the church. It is to
“[sit] at Jesus’ feet and [hear] His word.”
I can invite Him into as many things as I want, but I lose out if I’m not taking the time to sit with Him and before Him, giving Him a turn to speak. Or, more accurately, giving myself the opportunity to hear what He’s already been saying.
I am definitely prone to being more like Martha. “Lord, do you not care about all of these other things, too? Therefore, regardless of everything You’ve already done, can’t You do something about this, this, and that?”
And just as He answered Martha, Jesus answered me with that image of Mary sitting quietly at His feet, saying nothing and instead listening to everything He had to say. I read this story again and this time the words were, “[Ana]… you are worried and troubled about many things.
But one thing is needed… [choose] that good part…”
This portion of Jesus’ words is underlined in my Bible from a previous time that the story spoke to me, at which point I had written next to it a two-word summary that now sticks with me all over again: