I’m currently in the middle of a dry season in my walk with the Lord. I’ve lost the hunger for Him and I desperately want it back. I really don’t like these… I hear silence. I don’t feel hungry for the Word. I don’t feel near to God. I feel sad. I feel frustrated because I’m expectant, but not hearing from Him when I want to. But I guess that’s the problem… “when I want” cannot coexist with “when God wants”. Wanting God’s timing means giving up my own, and giving up my expectations of when His timing is. I guess my job in the midst of this is to continue seeking Him in obedience, and to wait patiently for Him to respond to me when He wants to.
What I am learning in all of this is that my relationship with God is not a one way street. I think that maybe for awhile I was treating it like this situation where I’m down here, God’s up there, and He blesses me and gives me all I need while I live a complacent life, read my Bible, and just try to stay on “good terms” with Him. I started relying more on my own strength than on God’s, letting myself believe that everything would be just peachy, even if I decided I could handle everything myself. What kind of relationship is that? This is a two-way street, and I need to show that I really want this by actively pursuing God myself. He’s not about to let me take control because He loves me too much to let me experience the kind of damage that could cause. But I do think He took a step back and let me continue on with this mindset for a couple weeks until I finally realized that I am completely incapable of doing this whole life thing on my own. I got so comfortable with where I was that it became a daily habit to just keep expecting things from Him and not put forth my own effort. Not only that, but I began to trust myself more than I was trusting Him. I feel like now is when He is stretching my faith in Him, giving me the chance to grow in my desire for Him, and helping me to better understand what it looks like to embrace my inadequacy and be in constant pursuit of Him, trusting that He will reveal Himself in His timing. It’s really easy for me to get discouraged during times like these and to feel like God has totally deserted me, but it’s important to keep reminding myself of the truths in His Word: that He is with me, always, He loves me deeply, and that I have no reason to not constantly put my trust in Him, because He completes me in every way. Honestly, I may not necessarily feel these things to be true right now, but I will keep telling them to myself until they do.
Reflecting on this time that has felt like the Sahara Desert decided to become my soul’s dwelling place has helped me see already that this silence is producing some pretty sweet fruit in my life that I overlooked in my frantic fear that He had left me. I’m humbled in knowing that I am nothing without Jesus and the strength He gives me on a daily basis; I am nothing without the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, making me blameless before God; And I will get absolutely no where in this life if I don’t constantly recognize my need for Him and let Him have complete control. Perspective is a big deal; I could have easily chosen to wallow in self-pity, take for truth the lie that God isn’t with me, and keep doing my own thing. But God, in His great mercy, did not let me take that route. He has helped me see that this is just another opportunity to grow in my faith, not let go of it and give up entirely. I want to know God Himself, not just all the things He is capable of. I want to know His character, and I’m excited that I can because He so graciously has chosen to make Himself known. So, now is the time to build up that hunger again, to pursue Jesus because He first pursued me.
These three songs are absolutely beautiful, so fitting, and completely have my heart.
“Unstoppable Love” by Skyler Smith and Kim Walker Smith
Try to stop Your love and You would wage a war
Try to take the very thing You gave Your life for
You would come running
Tear down every wall
All the while You’re shouting
“My Love, you’re worth it all”.
God you pursue me with power and glory
Unstoppable Love that never ends
You’re unrelenting with passion and mercy
Unstoppable Love that never ends
You broke into the silence and sang your song of hope
A melody resounding in the deep of my soul
You have come running
You tore down every wall
All the while you’re shouting,
“My Love you’re worth it all”
No sin, no shame,
No past, no pain
Can separate me from Your love
No height, no depth,
No fear, no debt
Can separate me from Your love
“Pursuit” by Jesus Culture
Strip everything away till all I have is You
Undo the veils till all I see is You
Strip everything away till all I have is You
Undo the veils till all I see is You
I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence
I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence
I’m pressing in to You so do not pass me by
I’m breaking through the boundaries
I will not be denied
I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence
I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence
Open my eyes, search me inside, I cant live without Your presence, I can’t live without Your presence
“Relentless Pursuit” by Skyler Smith and Kim Walker Smith
You can have all of me
You can have every part of me
And I, I am released to run after you, oh
And I, I am released to run after you
It’s a relentless pursuit, relentless pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
It’s a relentless pursuit, a passion in pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
I won’t hold anything from you
Every part of me I’ve surrendered to you
And I am not afraid to run after you, oh
To run with all my strength, run into you
It’s a relentless pursuit, relentless pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
It’s a relentless pursuit, a passion in pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you the love of my life
Oh you the love of my life
Oh it’s you,you,you,you,you
Of my life
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my mind off of you
I’m hopelessly crazy in love for you,you,you,you
You’ve taken the keys and you’ve opened up all of me
And now I’m running,I’m running after you
The love of my life
Oh you the love of my life
It’s a relentless pursuit, relentless pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
It’s a relentless pursuit, a passion in pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you