New Wine

I reached the end of myself again. And it’s never until I reach this point that I realize what I’ve really been doing. I feel like I tell myself over and over again, “your identity is in Christ,” while simultaneously I’m actively looking for it elsewhere without even realizing it. One disappointment after another; literal months of just waiting, which I don’t do well; dreams I thought I’d be able to see fulfilled in the near future (according to my definition) shattered; desires unfulfilled; doors shut; how many more ways are there to phrase this? And all of it has left me tired, worn out, and tasting the most bittersweet combination of so sad and yet so excited – that is the work of the Cross; no other thing in all the earth meets us in our disappointment like the grace of a God who doesn’t just walk us through our grief, but bottles our tears while He grieves with us, and stands there, offering peace and joy in abundance. I’m over here laughing and crying, not knowing what to do with myself on the daily for all of these reasons, and because again, I feel purposefully directionless.

I’m on my knees again saying “I give up.” And that’s where I realize it’s exactly the place God wanted me to reach. And that’s also when I remember that I asked Him for this. All of this. Four months ago, when I moved out of my parents’ house, I knew that I’d be entering a unique season of life, but I had no idea how hard it would really be. (PTL that He doesn’t let us see very far into the future). I asked God to use this time to take me deeper than I’ve ever been with Him; to teach me more about His character, knowing that everything else about myself, my life and life in general falls more into place the more I understand and love Him first. He’s been faithful in that, no doubt, but that’s hard to believe sometimes when in the midst of it, it doesn’t look or feel anything like frolicking through sun-kissed fields of wild flowers with a cookie in each hand. (Somehow I expected that. ??) It’s hard when it looks a lot more like Him taking away the things I have placed my identity in for so long, as good as they may be.

Now I see clearly that I have this tendency to look for value and purpose in the pursuit of things, and I never knew this about myself until I entered the harshest winter season, figuratively speaking, that I’ve ever experienced. The past four months have been equally the worst and best I think, like, ever. Actually I think my entire 22nd year of life has increasingly gotten more difficult and I think I’m ready to be done with it now. A lot of disappointments, uncertainties, and hurt mingled with big exciting life changes and transitions and sent me all over the place emotionally. I never knew loneliness or depression until now, but I also therefore never knew what it felt like to seek God through those emotions, and to experience Him changing my desires, the way I pray and what I pray for. He has taught me so many things in what seems like such a short amount of time in hindsight, and thank goodness He’s nowhere near done. I’m still very much in the midst of all of this, but starting to have a fresh perspective that I believe is from Him.

In December I applied to Sacramento State’s MSW program. It seemed perfect and I basically had the next 3 years of my life planned out. As excited as I was, on the inside I was a bit uneasy too, wondering what I could actually be getting myself into. You can only know so much when you’ve read the website 64 times, but haven’t actually experienced any of it. A shot in the dark. I prayed a lot for a clear answer. If I got in I was taking that as my “yes,” and if God didn’t want me to pursue this, I prayed the decision would be made for me and I wouldn’t be accepted.

I finally received the long-awaited email… of rejection. And I sobbed my eyes out off and on all day. Disappointed and sad and feeling hopelessly back at square one, even though (and also because) I knew it was a direct answer to prayer. (Bad idea to read that right before walking into work, but you live and learn.)

A week later, I got an email back from a summer camp in Santa Cruz that I applied to work at as a counselor during my summer off. Cause how perfect, right? I had high hopes for awhile because the phone interview went really well. But then I got another email and you can guess the rest. This one I felt much more prepared for, but I was still disappointed, and done trying to make things happen so that I feel fulfilled. Now I’m just even more excited for what God has in mind for this summer, as simple and maybe unexpected as it may end up being.

Here’s the deal: I know that I’m good at running away. I do try to pursue things prayerfully, and thank God He is there to redirect me when what I want or think I want isn’t His best. But I have learned that in my pursuit of things, even when I am praying about them, I may still be running away from the one thing He is calling me to do and has already directed me to:

To not.

To just not pursue other things for a little while.

Because Lord knows right now I’m doing that so that I don’t have to face unknowns; so that I feel like I’m working towards something in a “timely fashion” (so basically within the timeline that I have set for myself); because I guess I panic without a plan; and because somehow I think fulfillment is found in the fruit harvested by incessant ambition – success. Ecclesiastes 3 says “To everything there is a season…” And I think more recognition should be given to the ones that are undesirable, painful, not pretty and no fun; the “off seasons.” There is still purpose in those and I have to choose every day to believe that and the fact that God is a God of promises, and He is faithful to fulfill them. I realized one day that if this didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t be growing, and that gave me a new wave of excitement that I really needed.

There’s that saying, “when God closes a door, He opens a window…” or another door… or closet… Whatever it is, that saying does not address the “when” part, which is always my main concern, honestly. I know God closes and opens doors, but sometimes God also allows us to sit in the dark hallway for an unpredictable amount of time while we run around in circles chasing our tails until we get so tired we finally sit down; until He opens the next door.

I was thinking about this when I was reading in Exodus recently, when God calls Moses to go to Mount Sinai to hear Him speak. Exodus 24:1; 15-18 “Now He said to Moses, ‘Come up to the Lord…’… Then Moses went up onto the mountain, and a cloud covered the mountain. Now the glory of the Lord rested on Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days. And on the seventh day He called to Moses out of the midst of the cloud. The sight of the glory of the Lord was like a consuming fire on the top of the mountain in the eyes of the children of Israel. So Moses went into the midst of the cloud and went up into the mountain. And Moses was on the mountain forty nights.” 25:1 “Then the Lord spoke to Moses…”

Moses was told to come to the Lord to hear Him speak, but he wasn’t given a timeline for that. He obeyed and ended up on top of a mountain for forty nights doing who-knows-what besides waiting for God. Praying? Seeking? Worshipping? Doubting? Questioning? All while just waiting for God to speak wisdom and direction. Somehow I bet He was way more patient than I am. And God didn’t leave Him there forever.

So yeah. It’s hard and sucky being twenty-something and for the first time ever in my life to not be working towards a specific foreseeable goal. I’ve always only ever been in school, looking forward to more school, but now it’s like “real world” time, and I realize I’m not where I expected to be at almost 23. I don’t know exactly where I’m going yet, and I know that’s okay, but it’s not okay with me. I don’t know how to deal with the aimless liminal space period where I want something, but I don’t even know what that something is… I just know I want it because it’s exactly that – something. I guess in my mind I thought it would manifest itself in the form of my own ideas and plans coming to life, but I think I’m realizing that “something” is really what I asked God for at the beginning of all of this: more of Him. And it turns out the part of the process that is achy and painful is actually Him actively answering my prayers and once again proving Himself faithful. It’s Him taking away that which does not and cannot define me, and teaching me that He alone is and always will be the “something” I am looking for; the One thing I will always be able to find my identity in.

I have much to be thankful for, and God continually reminds me to practice gratitude and to enjoy what He’s given me now, but that doesn’t negate the fact that this part of life is riddled with a weird kind of hard that I don’t even know how to deal with, let alone put words to. Again, right where God wants me I guess because in my most helpless state all I can do is lay it at His feet, tell Him all about it over and over again, and proclaim to myself that He knows me, and He’s not finished with me.

He’s making new wine.

(Title inspired by the song on Hillsong’s new album, which has become my anthem.)

“In the crushing

In the pressing

You are making new wine

In the soil I now surrender

You are breaking new ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand

When I trust You I don’t need to understand

Make me Your vessel

Make me an offering

Make me whatever You want me to be

I came here with nothing

But all You have given me

Jesus bring new wine out of me”