I had this dream recently that I was alone at the beach. It was foggy and all I could see and hear was the water. It was so close to me but I wasn’t touching it, I was only hovering right above the point where the waves repeatedly kiss the shore. I felt like Job. A voice lovingly confronted me with some questions that called out all of my doubting.
“Why do you set your own limits on what I have already established boundaries for?”
“Why do you worry about things that I already understand completely?”
I was only half awake, but when I realized what I dreamt I was so overwhelmed with peace about the fact that I am not in control, nor do I need to try to be, that I fell right back to sleep. In an attempt to affirm my sanity later, I found the passage in Job where God confronts him about much of the same and found it so similar to my dream.
Job 38:8-11 “Or who shut in the sea with doors, When it burst forth and issued from the womb; When I made the clouds its garment, And thick darkness its swaddling band; When I fixed My limit for it, And set bars and doors; When I said, ‘This far you may come, but no farther, And here your proud waves must stop!’“
This is not a regular thing for me. I’ve had maybe two dreams like this in my life. Oddly, both have been in the last six months about two different things, and both confirmed questions I had been dwelling on and praying about. I don’t want to get all weird and psychoanalyze my subconscious state or anything, but yeah, I absolutely believe God still speaks through dreams. Or if I didn’t before, I certainly do now. Both of these times, I woke up remembering that while asleep, I was incapable of arguing what I was being told with my own imperfect rationality. I was somewhat paralyzed, forced to only listen and accept what was being said without being hindered by everything about my humanity that usually interrupts peace for me in my waking moments. This is why I believe God chose this method of communication: He knew He’d be uninterrupted.
This dream was about school. It’s true, I’ve been worried about what everything will look like in the months and years to come, during and after grad school. I’ve questioned whether this is really right, even though God has allowed it and knows every detail inside and out from beginning to end, and has only confirmed that more each time I’ve prayed against it. He knows where and how far He wants to take me, and how He wants to use my strengths, weaknesses and passions for His sake. He sees and knows it all, and the strengthening of my faith and trust in Him is why I needed to be asked these questions during a time when my mind was the least likely to combat His sovereign reasoning with more questions of my own.
• • •
A few Sundays ago at church the pastor was talking about agape love – unconditional and therefore having no origin in the human heart. It is purely a fruit of the Spirit. That got me thinking about all of them and then I realized which fruit I need the most right now. I prayed for God to give me His peace.
Immediately, Job 20:21 flashed through my memory:
“Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace…”
Ah. There it is. Again. The very passage that my eyes fell to that July afternoon on West Cliff, where I stood alone, uncertain, doubtful of the future, and sad that the summer and my present coastal-living reality was almost over. I was just a couple weeks away from heading back to the valley where familiarity and routines both comfort and enrage me, depending on the day. The Lord had answered my prayers by speaking calm and patient assurance into the tumultuous wave of emotions in me that He is my answer, especially when everything else in life is a question. He is my rest, assurance, and joy, but it is my responsibility to seek Him for all of those things and more, and to be disciplined enough to spend time just knowing Him better. Knowledge of Him is the answer, for He is the source of all things good and necessary. And most poignantly right now,
He is the source of true peace.
I haven’t been very good at acquainting myself with Him lately, like I’m called to. Ever since I got accepted into grad school, I’ve been like a little girl holding onto one of those streamers – letting it trail behind me, twirl and dance around me, while I run in circles, gripping it like it’s my new lifeline. And it feels like God patiently watches, smiling at my excitement and just waiting for me to slow down again and offer it back to Him. He’s the one who gave it to me to celebrate and dance freely with, so I know I can’t hold a tighter grip on it than the one that I hold on His right hand, and I think that’s been my problem. I have to lay this at His feet daily so that my dancing remains an act of worship and not a means of calling attention to myself, or some kind of false promise of constant future happiness that I cling to in vain. I think I’ve been scared to keep surrendering it, even now that it’s been graciously given to me. I’m scared it’ll get taken away. It goes back to the whole “too good to be true” mindset.
Ever since the high of getting accepted, telling everyone I care about and letting them celebrate with me died down, I’ve been pretty much bombarded every day with every kind of doubt imaginable. You name it, I’ve thought it. Call it what you want, but I know this has been an attempt from satan himself to steal my joy, make me question myself, this decision and, once again, the very nature of God altogether; to get me to place all of my hope in the new future ahead of me instead of in Christ; to prevent me from wanting to surrender, and ultimately, to get me as far away from peace as he can.
“What if this is wrong?”
“What if I uproot my whole life and I get there and it’s the worst thing ever?”
“What if I don’t meet people or find community and I’m left feeling even more alone than I was before?”
“What if Clinical Psychology is totally not for me after all and I’m disillusioned and flippantly wasting my energy?”
“Who am I to think I can actually do this? I’m not perfect, how am I ‘qualified’ for a career in mental health?”
“What if I hate it?”
“What if I can’t support myself and I have to drop out, move back to Turlock, and don’t ever finish school?”
“What if there’s just flat out no more good beyond this point?”
And it has all shown me my incredible need for the peace of God that surpasses understanding – completely different from that which the world offers (John 14:27). And it has taught me, most importantly, that I need to actively seek Him for His peace (Psalm 34:14).
Every day.
It does feel hypocritical that I talk about His faithfulness to answer prayers (and I do rejoice in it and thank Him for it), yet somehow in the same breath I’m over here still doubting so much. I annoy myself. But let me tell you, time and time again, in the face of uncertainty and unsettlement, as I have prayed about it, God has proven Himself faithful. Every day that I’ve woken up doubtful or scared, I’ve asked Him to confirm all of this once again, and to show me He’s still blessing this effort, that it’s from Him and He’s still in it. And every single time He has come through, whether via an email or phone call from someone at school checking in, a reminder to register for classes, a random connection that so-and-so has with so-and-so in San Diego if I ever have a need, words of encouragement like, “you’re going to love it!” and “you’ll be so great at that!” and “I’m so excited for you!” or even a really fun weekend with a solid group of people that made me realize the kind of community I’ve missed having so much in the last year and a half, making me that much more ready to be somewhere new. Every day it’s these things that keep me going, telling me God is indeed listening and that He cares deeply about me, despite my uncanny ability to doubt. That, my friends, is agape. That is an unrelenting love – freely and unreservedly and patiently giving us encouragement when we ask for it, no matter how many times a day our flesh makes that a necessity.
If I never felt this way, I wouldn’t understand the faithfulness of Jesus that allows me to run to Him repeatedly, like waves to the shore. Nor would I know Him the way I do now as the Prince of Peace that His Word says He is (Isaiah 9:6). He is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), and I want to be good at acknowledging that by reaching out consistently for what He offers as the alternative, bright, fresh and new every morning,
just like the sun.