I AM // not you

written 1/30/2020

“And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, also how he had executed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, ‘So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.’ And when he saw that, he arose and ran for his life, and went to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!” Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel touched him, and said to him, ‘Arise and eat.’ Then he looked, and there by his head was a cake baked on coals, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank, and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came back the second time, and touched him, and said, ‘Arise and eat, because the journey is too great for you.’ So he arose, and ate and drank; and he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights as far as Horeb, the mountain of God.”

1 Kings 19:1-8

So there he was. Elijah had just exposed Baal as a false and worthless idol, executed the prophets who worshiped him, and then traveled alone for miles, running from Jezebel’s threat to end his life because of what he had done. He was spent, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He went from the mountaintop high to the valley of the shadow of death pretty fast, and when he hit rock bottom,

He decided what would be best for himself, and that is what he asked God for…

Death (vs. 4).

This was the best solution in Elijah’s mind. He was overwhelmed by how quickly things turned ugly after he had obeyed God’s commands to expose the Israelites to their sin of idolatry. His obedience to the Lord had angered the wife of one of the most evil king’s of Israel, and suddenly Elijah found himself literally running for his life to escape her wrath. He was giving up. He had no strength left, He probably felt like a failure in his own eyes, and right there, under the broom tree, it is this narrative that he decided to claim as his identity.

How interesting that in his desperation Elijah didn’t pray for strength, wisdom, direction, discernment, even food or water. Yes, he cried to God, but he asked for a quick and efficient solution. He begged God to take his life because in that moment all he was looking at was his own inadequacy and the difficulty of his circumstances – a combination with potentially detrimental ramifications if the bigger picture never comes into view.

If I look for strength and worth and validation in the limits of my humanity or my circumstances or the people around me…

I will come up short. every. time.

God answered Elijah, but not with the solution for which Elijah prayed. God met his needs, not his desire in that moment. And when He did answer, He did not scold Elijah, or guilt-trip him, or make fun of him, or reprimand him, or tell him to “be a man” and “pull it together.” He let him recover right there under the tree, He provided just enough food and water to sustain him, and then He gave a command:

“Arise and eat” (vs. 5).

Actions. God calls me to these every day, and if and when I respond, He is always right there to meet me and to be enough for me.

Arise, get out of bed and start this day, but start it with Me, the Bread of Life that sustains you. Stop looking at your circumstances through the lens of self-sufficiency, and stop measuring yourself against the demands of these circumstances.

I AM the God who sees you and knows your every need

I AM He who provides for you

I AM where you will find your strength

I AM the One who calls you to rise and equips you to act

I AM He who answers you when you cry out to me

I AM the God who will never leave you

I AM the One who numbers your days

I AM,

not you.

I am not you.

The angel of the Lord knew what the journey would be like for Elijah and that is why God provided food for Him. But Elijah had to choose to either be obedient and acknowledge the way God was caring for His life and meeting His needs by actually getting up to eat, or to stay where he was, in that state of complete despair.

I recently went to a small group gathering for young adults who are in the medical and helping professions and we talked through this story of Elijah, reflecting especially on this part where he came to the end of himself. Great points were made about his faith and the example that his obedience sets for us today, but it was refreshing to read this part and remember that he was a vulnerable and flawed human, too. How often have I done what Elijah did? How often have I run away in fear, “sat against a tree,” isolated from the world, at the end of my rope, and cried out to God, but only for relief or a quick fix, and not for more of Him?

3/19/2020

I wrote this almost two months ago and for some reason didn’t want to post it yet. Circumstances were very different, and while the story applied (and still does) on a personal level, after revisiting it yesterday, it seems even more appropriate for where we find ourselves now, in the middle of a pandemic that has induced world-wide chaos, anxiety, vulnerability, and more uncertainty than many of us have ever felt, making various other personal concerns pale in comparison to the state of the whole rest of the world. But the Lord is right here in the middle of everything that I question daily, the constant “wait, this feels like a movie” reality checks, and the vacillation between being concerned for myself, wanting to be more concerned for others, and then not wanting to be concerned at all. He is over it all, under it all, behind, before, and beside it all, and He holds it all.

Maybe God is allowing this thing (which He foreknew before He even spoke time into existence) because He wants us to come to the end of ourselves and our resources so that we’ll finally look up and see Him right there, where He’s always been. Even if all we have the strength or will to plead for is death, like Elijah, He answers and He provides what we need for life – abundant life. He just wants us to want Him and to see that He is our hope, Provider, Protector, Savior, Sovereign God, and that He is enough, especially when we’ve run out of everything else that we reach for first.

This is scary, there is no denying that. But at the same time, there is nothing to fear. I have to tell myself that every day, as well as actively and repeatedly resist the grip that fear tries to hold on me.

There is no room for that here, Ana.

He is enough.

He is

The Great

I AM,

not you.