all of me.

 

the last week of high school group for the school year. a sweet time of worship. tears. an impromptu dance party. all things that last wednesday night was composed of. but most important was the reminder that Jesus is worth every part of me.

i was trying to focus during worship,  and i kept giving God the things i’m concerned with (so, everything). granted it was all bits and pieces; kind of one thing at a time, as i thought of each thing individually. but it didn’t feel like it was enough. i kept asking “What more is there to do? How do i get rid of feeling like i’m consumed with so much stuff and so much of myself all the time??” …

the thing is, I keep praying about the same THINGS – circumstances, people, thoughts, fears, worries, desires, all of these PARTS of my life. which is okay, because I think God definitely wants to hear the specifics, but i think i’ve been missing it. and He’s been waiting for me to hear Him say “just lay your SELF down at My feet.” as a person, i want to be filled with Him, not just in a place where i let Him have control of the things that are heavy on my mind.

the only way to be rid of myself is to be filled with Jesus. the only way to be filled with Jesus is to come before Him, desiring that & willingly sacrificing all of me, and that is a sweet exchange that i believe takes constant effort on my part. because who am i to withhold any part of myself from God? I  {b e l o n g}  to Him. i know this in my head, yet i still struggle to understand it in my heart and to know how to act on it consistently.

i was asking God over and over during worship to clothe me with His humility, because for some reason i feel so aware of the pride and selfishness and conceit inside of me, and i would venture to say it’s probably one of the grossest feelings ever. i know God wants to abolish that, and i know that to do that i have to first become aware of it.

He definitely gave me another taste of that humility. i fell apart during our last small group time of the school year. it was probably one of the best nights we’ve had all year – a really raw time of sharing with each other the areas of difficulty that are most prevalent in life right now. aside from being heartbroken over some of the things that were said, even more than that i was brought to tears by the fact that i get to hear these girls’ stories. how blessed i am to have insight into their precious lives, and to be someone who can walk alongside them, speak truth to them and learn from them, at the same that i am learning things in my own life. it is a privilege i do not feel like i deserve. i am still learning so much, myself, how am i the one God chose and fully equipped to encourage and lead these girls alongside Deanna? needless to say, i was reminded once again that i don’t have to have it all together to be in this position, and i clearly do not, by any means. it is so easy to feel like i don’t or won’t have the right things to say; i fear i am not enough in that sense, but i have also learned the importance of simply listening, and trusting God to bring the words right when they are needed. i have been so encouraged, hearing how well these girls listen to Jesus. they know exactly where His Holy Spirit is bringing conviction to their hearts, and seeing how sensitive they are to His voice is something God has used time and again to encourage me this year. i actually look up to them in a lot of ways.

i randomly came across Ecclesiastes 5 that night. i opened my Bible during small groups just to have something to look at while i attempted (and seriously failed) to fight back tears, and literally turned straight to “The vanity of selfish toil.”

“Walk prudently when you go to the house of God; and draw near to hear rather than to give the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they do evil. Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few… For in the multitude of dreams and many words there is vanity. But fear God.” i don’t like how difficult it is to not be caught up in myself and to instead continually yield to God, but i love that He does not relent. so much to be gleaned here. it put me at a loss for words to even express in prayer. especially those last two sentences…

“For in the multitude of dreams and many words there is vanity. But fear God.”

so many desires, and so many words used to express them to God that i lose track of how to simply fear Him in the midst of it all. i lose track of the importance of surrendering all of me, not just fragments of my life.

i am convicted to give Him not only control of these areas, but the authority to consume me, as a person. whatever that means. and i’m scared to.

i am learning how to say “God, here is everything. Here am I. Take me.”

“I Will Look Up” by Elevation Worship

All the worries of this world
I will lay them at your feet
Surrender every anxious thought
For perfect peace
Your perfect peace

All the loved ones I hold dear
All my hopes and dreams and all my fears
I will choose to trust your name
In everything
With everything

I will look up for there is none above you
I will bow down to tell you that I need you
Jesus, Lord of all
Jesus, Lord of all

I will take you at your word
Jesus you have taken hold of me
All my life is in your hands
You’re my strength
You’re my strength

I will look up for there is none above you
I will bow down to tell you that I need you
Jesus, Lord of all
Jesus, Lord of all
I will look back and see that you are faithful
I look ahead believing you are able
Jesus, Lord of all
Jesus, Lord of All

Prince of Peace
Perfect Healer
All my life, all my cares on you
King of Kings
Mighty Savior
All my life, all my cares on you

 

“Allegiance” by The Procession

 

I confess of the ways i’ve turned from you

creating idols my heart could bow unto

from time to time i believed the lie

they would satisfy, they would give me life

but all these counterfeits will never do

 

so i pledge my heart to you

all my love my life to you

take an oath devoted to you alone

my allegiance to you

my allegiance to you

 

guide my heart to desire the love you’ve shown

light my path, may i see your present hope

create in me a heart so clean

that my soul would sing of your victory

in liberty, Father, i say yes to you

 

so i pledge my heart to you

all my love my life to you

take an oath devoted to you alone

my allegiance to you

my allegiance to you

 

you’ve taken away my shame

in return you pour out your grace

i thank you, Lord

the cross as your proof of love

your pledge to each one of us

we thank you, Lord