pt. 1: beauty for ashes

I decided I’m going to do this thing where I never have a single expectation, ever, under any circumstance, other than to see God be faithful. That is truly the only thing I can count on and will never be disappointed by. The problem of course is that even in saying that it’s so easy to attach my own ideas to how God might or could prove His faithfulness, which defeats the whole purpose of this. I often tell myself I know He will be faithful, but then I wonder if it will look the way I want it to. And sometimes it does look like direct answers to specific prayers, but often times it looks very different. Expecting the “who,” “what,” and “how” associated with God’s faithfulness is called me putting parameters around it, saying that if all goes according to my plan, then I can really believe that He is in fact

F a i t h f u l.

As if His faithfulness is contingent upon my expectations being met.

Back in December, in the throes of the figurative “harsh winter” season I was in, (which I am no longer in, praise Jesus) I felt the Lord tell me to hold onto May 2018. I didn’t know why, obviously, but I felt like in May something was finally going to change. Part of me wondered if I was just going crazy, creating false hope for myself and something to look forward to because everything sucked, but part of me also felt like it wasn’t merely wishful thinking. In April I started noticing a lot of flowers in my life. People at work had given them in appreciation; one of the girls in my small group gave me a “thank you” rose at her graduation; my sister randomly invited me to go pick flowers with her; I got to work at two weddings, arranging flowers and taking pictures of them. On one hand, I was reminded that God cares about the littlest things because, all symbolism aside, I just love flowers and they make me really happy. (How much more does He care about the big things!) They were noticeably everywhere. And then, knowing how much I also love words, God gave me a theme to go along with them:

“beauty for ashes.”

I had heard this phrase in several worship songs at random in a span of two days, and I saw quotes about it anytime I opened Pinterest. I started listening, looking, and praying harder, and subsequently, expecting something to “bloom” in my life. I had recently been denied the summer job I wanted at Mount Hermon, but about two weeks later, which put me in May 2018… the tide changed and I ended up getting the job. I guess I wasn’t just wishful thinking in December after all. I couldn’t help but feel like this whole summer was going to be my “beauty for ashes.” I believed I had come out of the “winter” season – the ashes, if you will – and I was about to finally see and experience the beauty I had been waiting for. I believed I would find it in Santa Cruz.

Mount Hermon is incredibly beautiful. My first 40 seconds there, still in my car, I began to fear I was in danger of never leaving. I hadn’t even breathed in the outside air yet and already I had declared my love for this place. In all honesty, I initially pursued this experience because I was sick and tired of my life and my circumstances; I wanted out of Turlock, away from everyone and everything I knew, and I was setting out to find “the rescue” myself, and to take matters of change into my own hands. Whether that change was a clear calling on my life that I hoped God would reveal via some random prophetic person approaching me at camp, whether that change was finding my husband, or whether it was something else entirely, I was determined to find “it.” But during the time between being denied the job (after first being denied acceptance into grad school), and the second “just kidding, come to Mount Hermon!” email, God revealed my own heart to me about all of this. He reminded me that all of my pursuits apart from Him will never leave me in a place that’s better than His will. And it was all so much sweeter when he actually did give this to me, but on His terms. It was only after I finally let go, said I was done trying to make things happen, and yielded to whatever He had next that the unexpected happened and I got what I wanted in the first place. It was then that I began to want this summer for so much more than the initial reasons to seek out my own well-being. This was a direct answer to prayer, which showed me that God truly is the ultimate Giver and that He is good. He knew that this is an aspect of His character that I struggle often to believe is true when some prayers seem to go unanswered for eternity, leading me to question if He really cares or if I’m being ignored. Psalm 139 is more than enough of a reminder that “ignored” couldn’t be farther from the truth.

During our first week of staff training, my boss encouraged all of us to think about what our expectations were for the summer and to lay them at the feet of Jesus. I cried because I realized that although I had convinced myself that it was simply going to be a nice break, a breath of fresh air, and a much-needed change of scenery, I still had specific expectations attached to that of what this supposed “beauty” would and should look like. Leave it to me to have those somehow still wedged away in the dark recesses of my anxious mind. Leave it to me to create scenarios in my head, to tell God I’m ready for whatever thing He wants to give me next. Leave it to me to say that, but underneath that, to really be telling Him that “it’d be great if a, b, and c were the reasons You called me to this place.” Oddly, all of them were idealized dreams that lacked necessity for any amount faith because that is just way too challenging of a concept to exist within the walls of a utopia. Obviously.

I was really ready to see and experience why God brought me to Mount Hermon. Much of me looked forward to a temporary experience in an exciting and beautiful new place because in my mind it was an escape from the familiar and, I hoped, from the angst, desires, questions, and curiosities that consumed me at home. But I was disillusioned into thinking I could run away completely. I was still face to face with all of those things, the only difference was that they seemed even more prevalent in a lot of ways. I appreciated the gift that this summer was, but what I really wanted was drastic changes in circumstances, breakthroughs and blatant, concrete “here-it-is” answers to prayers that I’ve had for a long time. I wanted the things I was trying to run away from to be replaced with new and easier and less aggravating things. I think I wanted someone or something else to enter my world and flip it upside down in all the best ways. Whatever that means. Essentially, I was looking for answers in a place where I believe the Spirit of God dwells, but not in God Himself.

So, there I was, halfway through the summer and I still hadn’t found “it;” my expectations weren’t really being met because nothing was “happening.” And then I was given a six-page letter that changed everything. Hand-written, hand-delivered, and hands-down one of the best gifts I have ever received in my life. Little did I know that the beautifully written words would be the arrows pointing directly to the real beauty that God had placed before me. Or, more accurately, that He had placed me right in the midst of. All this time I was searching for it, waiting for it to show up, until I realized I didn’t have to do that – I was already in it.

[to be continued]