“finding yourself”

I recognize there may be people reading this who are, at varying degrees, invested in the enneagram’s supposed insight into the complexities of human personalities. I’d like to preface this by saying that I don’t write this to bash or condemn anyone’s opinion; I write to articulate and solidify my own convictions and reasons why, as a Christian, I feel the need to run from this fad. Going into the field of mental health in this day in age, I am well aware that I will probably be encountering more of it or variations thereof. As much as that honestly does make me nervous, it also makes me want to keep learning, sorting through and establishing my opinions, and growing in my ability to back them up while maintaining respect for others whose opinions are different.

I’m fascinated listening to conversations about this, intrigued by how much some people know and their ability to remember all of the numbers and their descriptions. Personally, I can’t really keep any of them straight, but I’m not about to deny that I resonate with mostly everything that is typical of a “1” (wing 9 – whatever that means?), which is completely beside the point. I think part of my aversion stems from the fact that it feels like a cultural obsession, permeating conversations that create the perception of “expert knowledge” by some about a thing that has highly questionable validity. I’m definitely a band-wagoner with a lot of things, but this is not one of them. The rest of my aversion stems from my own personal experience of what I feel more susceptible to because of the enneagram. More on that later. While some of the descriptive traits ring true, that’s about where it ends for me. I read about it and then I’m like, “Mkay, I already knew that – I’m a self-critical, insanely organized, conflict avoider… who loves long walks on the beach and petting a specific breed of dog, but only on Tuesday’s when I’ve had 3 cups of coffee before 12pm… Now what?” Obviously I made that last part up, but my point is, we all have strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies toward certain reactions to stress that stem from our upbringing, socialization and a host of other factors; it doesn’t change where my identity ultimately lies OR the fact that no matter how well I think I know myself, the God who made me knows me better and loves me best, and nothing could ever change that.

Here’s the bottom line to me: with or without the enneagram 1) my calling as a follower of Christ remains the same, and 2) humanity as a whole is still broken, sinful and prone to destroying everything in our paths with every kind of sin; no 9-point chart is ever going to reverse that, and it never has to because Christ has already “overcome the world” (John 16:33). Yes, let’s absolutely work toward better habits, healthier attitudes, and virtuous pursuits, but as a Christian, I do not find the tools to do that within myself, or in any source that’s better than God and His Word. “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17, emphasis mine).

It feels like the simplicity and purity of the Bible is so easily overridden by new “more attractive” theories about how we can help ourselves. For centuries the enneagram didn’t exist and now suddenly it seems to make up a vast majority of people’s “words to live by,” and that’s what concerns, irritates, and saddens me. I get it; we all want a sense of autonomy and to feel capable of changing to improve our own selves and lives; but that’s the core of humanity’s downfall, and that’s exactly my point… is that not why Jesus died, so that we wouldn’t have to be bound by our own inadequacies, leaning so hard on our own efforts? “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Why do we so easily run to self-help resources, trying to “know ourselves better” when we have all the help and freedom we could ever need available in someone other than ourselves – in Christ?

Why is He not enough?

I’m already guilty of communicating to God that He is not enough for me by running to a myriad of other things before I run to Him; the last thing I need is yet another one of those things – myself. I’m already up against self-seeking and pride and insecurity every day – all of which have self-involvement at their core; that’s what I want to get away from, and looking inward – a primary focus of enneagram practice – does not release me from that, it binds me to it.

As a follower of Jesus who does not subscribe to anything about the enneagram, and never will:

I am still commanded to love God; to seek the presence of Jesus on a daily basis; to let Him fill, guide, and establish me; to invite His Holy Spirit to work through me, using the gifts He’s given me to reach people in Jesus’ name; and to daily be broken at His feet because of His mercy that is new for you and I

every.

single.

day.

I am still called to love my neighbors; to be selfless, patient, and forgiving, whether or not I understand why they act the way they do, as if their “number” is an excuse for their actions, or somehow it’s supposed to be “easier” for me to extend grace when I understand the numbers;

I’m still called to love like Jesus

and that’s still hard to do

because I am still a sinner.

I know that I don’t “find my true self” by turning and looking inward; I find myself, no doubt, and all of my horrible, sinful and wicked ways. That’s not where I want to be, or what I want to be “in touch” with unless out of remorse, being drawn to repent and bow in surrender at the Throne of Grace, where I abandoned all that I am the moment I gave my life to Jesus. “And he died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again” (2 Corinthians 5:15). The Spirit of Christ dwells in me, but I don’t search inside myself to find Him; my focus still has to be turned outward – to prayer and worship and the reading of Scripture. (Phillip Cary makes some good points about this in his book Good News for Anxious Christians: 10 Practical Things You Don’t Have to Do. He talks a lot about the practices involved in post-modern Christianity and why we succumb to them but shouldn’t.)

I am not trying to pretend there aren’t tools out there that can be helpful in improving relationships or dealing with conflict or whatever else. But I do think the fact that the enneagram in particular has origins in occult practices and divination, combined with its total promotion of internal enlightenment and self-focus makes it suspect, and this should be a red flag to followers of Christ who may not be aware of it, but still encourage its prevalence. (Check out this article for an interesting perspective from a former enneagram teacher and advocate, who abandoned ship after extensive research: https://www.equip.org/article/tell-me-who-i-am-o-enneagram/.)

The enneagram is a fierce advocate for looking within to “find ourselves,” but I wholeheartedly believe that the only place to “find” ourselves is in Jesus, our very source of life, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). I gained life when I looked to Him and away from me; I am to invest in knowing Him better, and only then do I know who I am. More than anything, I hope it’s an encouragement for each of us to think hard about what we prioritize, what we decide is truth worth living by, and what we’re drawn to and why, before allowing ourselves to be guided by outwardly attractive claims that self-effort leads to improvement and ultimate fulfillment. My friend Brooklyn said it really well, “The root of [the enneagram] is not to push you closer to God, it’s to push you closer to yourself… the more we seek to find ourselves in such vivid detail, the less we feel the need to find out what God says about us. We should be seeking Him, and in a relationship with Him is when we feel the most ourselves.”

He is the One who does the searching, the convicting, and the guiding; we are called to simply come and seek His face.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23).